A Sweeney Todd Parody!
by Harry's Girl 01031992
Summary: Featuring myself and Nausicaa of the Spirits, Captain Jack Sparrow is out for vengance against Judge Victor Quartermaine, who wronged him in the past. Movie based and rated for mild language and mention of blood.
1. No Place Like London

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Harry's Girl 01031992 presents

_**Jack Sparrow: The Demon Pirate of Fleet Street**_

**A "Sweeney Todd" Parody**

* * *

**Cast**

**Benjamin Barker/ Sweeney Todd…Joseph Teague/Captain Jack Sparrow _(Pirates of the Caribbean) _(I made that first name up for him…if you're wondering where the "Teague" part comes from, Jack's father is Captain Teague)**

**Mrs. Nellie Lovett…Me**

**Judge Turpin…Victor Quartermaine **_**(Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit)**_

**Beggar Woman… I'll leave that for y'all to figure out for yourselves**

**Anthony Hope…Will Turner **_**(Pirates of the Caribbean)**_

**Johanna Barker…Nausicaa of the Spirits**

**Tobias (Toby) Ragg… Mitsukuni Haninozuka (Hunny) **_**(Ouran High School Host Club)**_

**Adolfo Pirelli… (a gender bent) Sharpay Evans **_**(High School Musical)**_

**Beadle Bamford… Peter Pettigrew **_**(Harry Potter series)**_

* * *

A/N: I will try to be as tame as possible when it comes to the bloody, throat-slitting scenes and any other strong content, so you all don't throw up while reading this.

It will start off serious at first, but as the story progresses, I will gradually add my random hilarity to keep the story moving. Don't be surprised if people get out of character from their normal personalities from what you see in their respected films and/or TV shows. Now…ONWARD WITH THE STORY!!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this parody. They belong to their creators. Nor do the lyrics or plotline…those belong to Stephen Sondheim. And yes, I did alter some of his lyrics. But I do own some of the mentioned movies above.

* * *

In the fog on a dark, London night, a great, giant ship called _The Black Pearl_ sailed towards the harbor.

On the ship is William Turner, a blacksmith out of Port Royal in the Caribbean, stood out on the deck and observed his surroundings. He had long, dark brown hair that blew in the wind; his eyes were chocolate brown and his skin was tan from the sun. He had a mustache and a goatee.

Wide-eyed and taking in the scenery, he sang:

"_**I have sailed the world,**_

_**Beheld its wonders,**_

_**From the Dardanelles**_

_**To the mountains of Peru,**_

_**But there's no place like London!"**_

Then Captain Jack Sparrow, the infamous Pirate Lord, his dark, brown hair in dreadlocks (with a piece of eight hanging from one of them) tied in a bandanna, his eyes heavily lined with kohl, and dressed in an assortment of pirate garb, joined in with disdain in his voice.

"_**No, there's no place like London!"**_

Will, wondering why Captain Jack's undies were in a bundle, asked him, "Captain Sparrow…?"

Captain Jack sighed and simply answered,

_**"You are young;**_

_**Life has been kind to you.**_

_**You will learn."**_

A look of disgust then appeared on his face, as the ship was drawing closer to the harbor.

He grumbled under his breath,

_**"There's a hole in the world**_

_**Like a great black pit**_

_**And the vermin of the world**_

_**Inhabit it**_

_**And its morals aren't worth**_

_**What a pig could spit**_

_**And it goes by the name of London.**_

_**At the top of the hole **_

_**Sit a privileged few,**_

_**Making mock of the vermin**_

_**In the lower zoo,**_

_**Turning beauty into filth and greed.**_

_**I too**_

_**Have sailed the world and seen its wonders,**_

_**For the cruelty of men**_

_**Is as wondrous as Peru,**_

_**But there's no place like London!"**_

Will heaved a sigh of exasperation and patted Captain Jack on his back as the ship docked and they walked onto the street.

"Captain Sparrow," he said, "You've been in a right foul mood this whole time we've been on this voyage. Now tell me, what's on your mind."

"William, it's a long story, and I'm not in a divulgatory mood to divulge what's on my mind." Jack replied.

"Please, I want to know." Will said.

"No."

"PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE WITH SUGAR AND RUM ON TOP!!" Will begged insanely, pouting with puppy-dog eyes.

"Rum, you say?" Jack said, seriously considering this deal. "Alright, I'll tell ye." He sang.

**"**_**There was a pirate and his wife**_

_**And she was beautiful"**_

* * *

_(Cue flashback)_

A young Jack Sparrow (but at this time, he was known as Joseph Teague) and his wife, Antoinette (from my story "I'm Married to Jack Sparrow?"), walked through the marketplace with their baby in a carriage, Nausicaa of the Spirits, on a sunny day in London. Antoinette wore a white, corseted dress with a full skirt and a bonnet over her light, blonde hair. Jack casually sipped from a bottle of rum every now and then.

_**"A foolish pirate**_

_**And his wife**_

_**She was his reason**_

_**And his life**_

_**And she was beautiful**_

_**And she was virtuous**_

_**And he was…**_

_**Naïve."**_

Antoinette lifts Nausicaa out of the carriage and they and Jack walk over to a vendor, where he picks up a flower and a doll for Nausicaa. Jack and Antoinette looked at each other with love in their eyes.

Then, in a dark alley, Judge Victor Quartermaine (a man who wore khaki hunting gear and sported a tall, black toupee), spied Antoinette, and knew that he had to have her.

_**"There was another man who saw**_

_**That she was beautiful**_

_**A pious vulture of the law,**_

_**Who with a gesture of his claw**_

_**Removed the pirate from his plate."**_

Judge Quartermaine's assistant, Beadle Pettigrew, a short, thinning, and balding man appeared. Quartermaine gave Pettigrew the signal to retrieve the police in order to frame Jack with a false crime.

_**"Then there was nothing but to wait."**_

Two policemen then appeared and clubbed Jack over the head and dragged him away to jail. Antoinette could only look on in confusion as her husband was dragged away and her baby cried.

_**"And she would fall,**_

_**So soft,**_

_**So young,**_

_**So lost,**_

_**And oh, so beautiful!"**_

_(End flashback)_

* * *

"And the lady," Will asked. "Did she succumb?"

Jack, with a tear in his eye, wiped it away as he looked to Will.

_**"Oh, that was many years ago.**_

_**I doubt if anyone would know."**_

Jack, sucking up his emotion, said to Will, "Thank you, William, if you hadn't spotted me in Tortuga, drunker than a mule, I would still be imbibing myself silly."

"Do you think I'll ever see you again?"

"If I'm not stumbling about the streets, drunk, and getting slapped by salty wenches, you'll most probably find me around Fleet Street."

Will extended his hand, for Jack to shake it.

"Until then, my friend." Will said.

Jack took no notice of Will's extended arm (which was probably getting sore by now, because it had been outstretched for about ten minutes), and walked down an alleyway, grumbling under his breath,

_**"There's a hole in the world,**_

_**Like a great, black pit**_

_**And it's filled with people**_

_**Who are filled with shit,**_

_**And the vermin of the world**_

_**Inhabit it." **_

_End of chapter! Should I continue with it, or is it just plain horse pucky? Let me know in your reviews!_

_-Harry's Girl 01031992_


	2. Worst Brats in London

Thanks to **Crysta Mayville **and **Nausicaa of the Spirits **for reviewing! Now, onward with chapter two!

A/N: If you see numbers by a certain passage, refer to the footnotes at the end of the chapter

Disclaimer: I own nothing...

* * *

Jack walked down towards Fleet Street, recalling some of the memories of his former life. He saw the church that he went to before he was sent off to prison and the Vicar Clement Hedges (_Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit_) was standing outside of the church, greeting the people going into it; the fish merchant, William Van Dort (_Corpse Bride_) was busily supervising the sales of his fish.

Jack felt a grumbling in his stomach after looking at all of those fish being fried up or made into sushi. It had been awhile since he had eaten anything decent. But conveniently, there was a bratwurst shop (1) across the way. It was apparently owned by a Mrs. Walker (2). Where had he heard that name before?

He walked in to see a 16-year-old girl with wavy, medium-blonde hair up in high, messy pigtails; she had pale skin, freckles and greenish-brownish-grayish-bluish eyes; she wore a blackish-brownish, corseted dress with a bit of sparkly trim on it; she wore glasses that had black rims on the top of them. She chopped away at some carrots for a side of soup to serve with her brats. Just as it looked like she was about to collapse from extreme boredom, she looked up to see Jack.

"A customer!" she gasped excitedly, jabbing her knife into the slicing block.

Jack thought, "Oh, no…I remember her…she was that crazy broad who was the landlady for Antoinette and me."

She skipped over giddily to him while singing,

"_**Wait, what's yer rush? What's yer hurry?**_

_**You gave me such a—**_

_**Fright, I thought you was a ghost!"**_

She took him over to a table, where she sat him down, but he kept on trying to get away in the process but Mrs. Walker kept him down.

"_**Half a minute, can'tcher sit!  
Sit you down, sit!  
All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks!**_

_**Did ya come in for a brat, sir?**_

_**Do forgive me if me head's a little vague—**_

_**What was that?"**_

A bug scurried across the butcher block, but she flicked it away.

"_**But you think we had the plague!  
From the way that people  
Keep avoiding --  
No you don't!  
Heaven knows I try, sir!  
But there's no one comes in even to inhale!**_

_**Right you are, sir,**_

_**Would you like a drop of ale?"**_

She dropped a brat on to a dusty plate and blew the dust off.

"_**Mind you, I can't hardly blame them!  
These are probably the worst brats in London!  
I know why nobody cares to take them,  
I should know,  
I make them,  
But good? No!  
The worst brats in London,  
Even that's polite!  
The worst brats in London,  
If you doubt it, take a bite!"**_

Jack bit into it, but the taste was far from pleasant; it tasted like a combination of

bad cheese, spoiled milk, dog food, and chicken from Medieval Times. He spit it out._**  
**_

"_**Is that just disgusting?  
You have to concede it!  
It's nothing but casing!  
Here, drink this, you'll need it!  
The worst brats in London...  
And no wonder with the price of meat  
What it is  
When you get it  
Never  
Thought I'd live to see the day  
Men'd think it was a treat  
Findin' poor  
Animals  
Wot are dyin' in the street!  
Mrs. Mooney has a brat shop!  
Does a business but I notice something weird.  
Lately all her neighbors' cats have disappeared!"**_

Jack continued to spit out bits of gritty meat. He could hardly take it anymore, so he took a swig of ale. Turns out, the rum went bad a long time ago. He tried not to vomit as he gagged that nasty drink down._**  
"Have to hand it to her --  
Wot I calls  
Enterprise  
Poppin' pussies into brats!  
Wouldn't do in my shop!  
Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick!  
And I'm tellin' you, them pussycats is quick!  
No denying times is hard, sir  
Even harder than the worst brats in London!  
Only lard and nothing more --  
Is that just revolting,  
All greasy and gritty?  
It looks like it's molting,  
And tastes like,  
Well, pity  
A woman alone,  
With limited wind,  
And the worst brats in London!  
Ah, sir, times is hard,  
Times is hard!"**_

Mrs. Walker then saw another insect make its way across the table, but she squished it just in time before it got to the bratwurst buns.

"Trust me dearie," Mrs. Walker said, sighing a bit. "It's gonna take more than ale to wash that taste out. If you want something _really_ good to get that taste out, _suivez-moi_." (3)

She led him to a tiny little den in one corner of the shop. On the way there, Jack spotted something that was all too familiar: the staircase that led to his former apartment.

As they entered the den, Mrs. Walker said, "It ain't the best living-room in London, but at least it keeps itself warm during the winter. The unicorn wall-paper and statues freak me out, they've been here since I've moved in, but I haven't taken the initiative to get rid of those freaky things…anyway, here's a glass of rum. Go ahead and sit down, warm your bones." She handed Jack a shot-glass of rum and he drank it down as if he needed it to save his life.

"You've got an apartment over your little shop (hiccup); If times is so hard, why don't you rent it out to some desperate drunkard (hiccup)?" Jack asked.

"That dump up there?" She answered. "Oh, no. People won't even look at it. They think it's haunted."

"Haunted?"

* * *

(1) I know in the original musical, it's supposed to be meat pies, but where I come from, bratwursts could buy meat pies 43598 times over.

(2) If you're wondering, "Why Mrs. Walker?", Johnny Depp played Wade "Cry-Baby" Walker in _Cry Baby_.

(3) It means "follow me" _en Français_.

* * *

_End of Chapter! What'd you guys think of this chapter? I know, the lyrics were a bit longer than the actual story, but que sera sera, y'know?_

_Happy Reviewing!_

Harry's Girl 01031992


	3. Poor Thing

Thanks to **Nausicaa of the Spirits **and **Crysta Mayville **for reviewing chapter two! **Crysta Mayville** was kind enough to point out to me with her sharp-wittedness that I had made an error in editing the lyrics from the original to my own. Thanks bundles! Now, onward to chapter three!

Disclaimer: See chapter uno, _por favor._

* * *

"Yeah," Mrs. Walker answered, shrugging. "And who's to say they're wrong. Years ago, something really bad happened. I hadn't seen nothin' like it in all my years." She sat next to Jack and sang.

_**"There was a pirate and his wife**_

_**And he was beautiful**_

_**A proper artist with a sword**_

_**But they transported him**_

_**Without a word**_

_**And he was beautiful."**_

"Teague his name was," Mrs. Walker said. "Joseph Teague."

"What was his crime?" Jack asked, even though he knew that Mrs. Walker was talking about him.

"Foolishness…" replied Mrs. Walker, shaking her head.

* * *

_(flashback)_

**(A/N: WARNING- THIS PARTICULAR PART OF THE STORY WILL CONTAIN A RAPING. IF YOU ARE EASILY UPSET, PLEASE SKIP THIS PART)**

"_**He had this wife, you see,**_

_**Pretty little thing. **_

_**Silly little nit **_

_**Had her chance for the moon on a string--**_

_**Poor thing. Poor thing."**_

Antoinette sat with baby Nausicaa in her arms, languishing about the fact that her husband had been sent off to an Australian prison. She looked out the window to see that Judge Quartermaine (who was holding a bouquet of flowers for Antoinette) and Beadle Pettigrew were standing outside her apartment.

_**"There was this Judge, you see,**_

_**Wanted her like mad.**_

_**Every day he'd send her a flower,**_

_**But did she come down from her tower?"**_

Nausicaa, being the naturally curiously baby she was, looked out the window, only to find that creepy judge stalking her mother…**AGAIN**. She cried hysterically, which roughly translated to, "OH, MY GOD!! SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!! Mommy, why didn't you get a freakin' restraining order against him?"

_**"Ah, but there was worse yet to come—**_

_**Poor thing."**_

Later that night, Beadle Pettigrew randomly showed up at Antoinette's (she was wearing a simple, pink, corseted dress with a tiny floral pattern) house, took her down to Judge Quartermaine's mansion, forced Mrs. Walker (who was a baby herself) to baby-sit Nausicaa. (1)

"_**The Beadle calls on her, all polite,**_

_**Poor thing, poor thing.**_

_**The Judge, he tells her, is all contrite, **_

_**He blames himself for her dreadful plight,**_

_**She must come straight to his house tonight!**_

_**Poor thing, poor thing."**_

When Antoinette arrived at Quartermaine's mansion, Beadle Pettigrew shoved her into a room filled with people having a masquerade party.

_**"Of course, when she goes there,**_

_**Poor thing, poor thing,**_

_**They're having this ball all in masks.**_

_**There's no one she knows there,**_

_**Poor dear, poor thing.**_

_**She wanders tormented, and drinks,**_

_**Poor thing.**_

_**The Judge has repented, she thinks, **_

_**Poor thing.**_

_**'Oh, where is Judge Quartermaine?' she asks."**_

Antoinette, scared out of her mind, imbibed herself silly with gin and wine and fainted on a couch. Little did she know, Judge Quartermaine was hiding nearby behind a mask and a red cloak.

_**"He was there, all right—**_

_**Only not so contrite!"**_

Judge Quartermaine deviously walked over to Antoinette's fainting place. Antoinette woke up to find Judge Quartermaine ogling her straight in the face, his visage insane-looking.

_**"She wasn't no match for such craft, you see,**_

_**And everyone thought it so droll.**_

_**They figured she had to be daft, you see,**_

_**So all of 'em stood there and laughed, you see.**_

_**Poor soul!**_

_**Poor thing!"**_

Judge Quartermaine stood over Antoinette and spread his cloak out like bat's wings and raped her. His guests laughed insanely, as if they had escaped from the insane asylum and huffed a bunch of dentist's sedation gas.

_(end flashback)_

_

* * *

_"No!!" Jack screamed, his eyes filled with terror. "Would no one have mercy on her?"

"So it _is_ you…" Mrs. Walker gasped. "Joseph Teague."

"Where is she? Where's Antoinette?" Jack sobbed. "Where is my wife?"

"I'm sorry, love, but she poisoned herself with arsenic." Mrs. Walker confessed. "I tried to stop her, but she wouldn't listen to me. And I'm doubly sorry to tell you that Judge Quartermaine adopted Nausicaa. Treated her like his own."

Jack, filled with disgust, growled, "16 years, I've been sweating in a living purgatory, dreaming of coming home to my wife and child, but coming back to find my life in ruins."

"Well, Mr. Teague," Mrs. Walker uttered. "I can't say Father Time has been pleasant to you all of these years…"

"No!" Jack exclaimed. "Not Teague; that man is as good as dead. It's Sparrow now, Jack Sparrow, and he shall have vengeance."

* * *

**(1) Nausicaa of the Spirits and I are both 16, so I found it kind of silly that I would be a perpetual 16 year old throughout the story if I were actually an "adult" in the flashback.**

_End of chapter! So how was it? Tell me in your reviews and I'll hand out some (virtual) chips, sherbet punch, and Sour Patch Kids._

_Happy Reviewing!!_

_-Harry's Girl 01031992_


	4. My Friends

Thanks to **Nausicaa of the Spirits**, **Falling Stardust**, and **Crysta Mayville **for reviewing! Now, onward to chapter 4 (cue "Batman" music)!

A/N: I know that the lyrics may be off a bit in this song, but at least I got a chapter out :)

"Come with me, love." Mrs. Walker said, giving a gesture to Jack to follow him. "I have something to show you."

They walked out of the building and went outside onto the patio, which had a set of stairs leading up to a higher lever of the house. Mrs. Walker opened the door to the upper room, but a reluctant Jack could only stand outside of it, looking at the dusty ruin that it was.

"Come in, love," she said, with a motherly tone to her voice. "There's nothing to be afraid of."

Jack walked into the room halfheartedly, knowing that the memories that he shared with his family in this room were long forgotten. He observed his surroundings, including a crib that was once Nausicaa's, now covered up in a sheet. He lifted the sheet up, revealing the doll that he bought for her, all those years ago. As he put the sheet down, Mrs. Walker was lifting up one of the floorboards to recover some items of Jack's.

She lifted these large, long objects out of the floor and they were covered in a red, velvet cloth. Jack walked over to her.

"When they came for the girl, I hid them. I could've sold 'em, but I didn't." Mrs. Walker admitted. Jack lifted the cloth off of the objects, only to reveal his most treasured effects: his three-cornered hat, a pistol, and his favorite sword.

Putting on his hat and placing his pistol in his holster, he picked up his sword and stared at it lovingly, as if he were hypnotized by it.

"That sword is chased silver isn't it?" Mrs. Walker asked.

"Yes," Jack replied, in a dazed tone of voice. "…Silver." He then started to sing.

"_**This is my friend,**_

_**See how it glistens,**_

_**See how it shines,**_

_**How he smiles, **_

_**In the light, **_

_**My friend,**_

_**My faithful friend.**_

_**Speak to me friend,**_

_**Whisper, I'll listen.**_

_**I know, I know,**_

_**You've been locked,**_

_**Out of sight,**_

_**All these years,**_

_**Like me, my friend!**_

_**Now I've come home,**_

_**To find you waiting,**_

_**And we'll do wonders,**_

_**Won't we?**_

_**You there, my friend.**_

_**Come, let me hold you."**_

Mrs. Walker joined in.

"_**I'm your friend, too,**_

_**Captain Jack.**_

_**If you only knew Captain Jack**_

_**Oh, Captain Jack,"**_

"_**Now, with a sigh,"**_

They then sang in unison,

"_**You grow warm in my hand." **_

"_**My friend!"**_

"_**You've come home!"**_

"_**My clever friend!"**_

"_**Always had a fondness for you,**_

_**I did."**_

"_**Rest now, my friend."**_

"_**Never you fear, Captain Jack,"**_

"_**Soon I'll unsheathe you,"**_

"_**You can move in here, Captain Jack,"**_

"_**Soon you'll know,"**_

_**"Splendors you've never dreamed…All your days!"**_

_**"Will be yours!"**_

_**"My lucky friends!**_

_**I'm your friend,**_

_**And you're mine!"**_

_**"Till now your shine**_

_**Was merely silver!"**_

_**"Silver's good enough for me,**_

_**Captain Jack…"**_

_**"Friends,**_

_**You shall drip rubies.**_

_**You'll soon drip precious…**_

_**Rubies."**_

Jack stared at his sword, and then looked back at Mrs. Walker.

"Leave me," he commanded.

Mrs. Walker did as she was told as Jack rose from his knees and held his sword to the sunlight.

"At last!" Jack exclaimed. "My arm is complete again!"

_Fin de chapitre!! What'd you think of this one? I'm pretty sure Nausicaa makes her debut in the next chapter, so expect that some time soon... If I'm not swamped with homework for Expository Writing, that is!_

_Much love!_

_-Harry's Girl 01031992_


	5. Green Finch and Linnet Bird

Thanks to **Surfer Girl Forevuh**, **Falling Stardust**, and **Nausicaa of the Spirits **for reviewing! Now, onward to chapter 5! (Insert coconut clacking à la "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" here)

* * *

Meanwhile, Will Turner was wandering about London, trying to find Hyde Park, but the map that he currently had in his possession looked like it had been drawn out by someone in a straitjacket who was having a caffeine overdose at the time. About to give up, he sat on a bench, trying to decipher where this crackpot navigator had directed the holder of the map to go in the event they wanted to go to Hyde Park.

As Will heaved a frustrated sigh, he heard the most beautiful singing that he had ever heard coming from the direction of the upper level of a mansion that was smack-dab in front of him.

He looked into a window and saw the most beautiful girl that he had ever laid eyes on. Her name was Nausicaa of the Spirits and she had short, curly brown hair and her eyes were a bluish-gray framed by brown-rimmed glasses. She stared sadly at a cage that had a bird in it, twittering and whistling away. She sang.

"_**Green finch and linnet bird,**_

_**Nightingale, blackbird,**_

_**How is it you sing?**_

_**How can you jubilate,**_

_**Sitting in cages,**_

_**Never taking wing?**_

_**Outside the sky waits,**_

_**Beckoning, beckoning,**_

_**Just beyond the bars!**_

_**How can you remain,**_

_**Staring at the rain,**_

_**Maddened by the stars?**_

_**How is it you sing,**_

_**Anything, anything?**_

_**How is it you sing?"**_

Will stared at her lovingly and walked off the bench and closer to the house.

"_**My cage has many rooms,**_

_**Damask and dark.**_

_**Nothing there sings, **_

_**Not even my lark!**_

_**Larks never will, you know,**_

_**When they're captive,**_

_**Teach me to be more adaptive.**_

_**Ah…"**_

* * *

Outside of Nausicaa's bedchamber, Judge Victor Quartermaine (_sans_ toupee; he gave up wearing that thing ever since he knew that it was useless at covering his bald-spot. His remaining hair was now a grayish color) slunk through the halls, and stopped at a wall. He took a painting off a wall to reveal a hole in it, and he peeked through it, ogling his adopted child (1).

* * *

"_**Green finch and linnet bird,**_

_**Nightingale, blackbird,**_

_**Teach me how to sing.**_

_**If I cannot fly,**_

_**Let me sing!"**_

Nausicaa finally noticed Will outside her window and smiled at him, then returned to her needle-pointing.

Then, a shrill voice exclaimed out in the air,

"_**Alms! Alms!!**_

_**For a desperate woman!**_

_**On a miserable, chilly,**_

_**Morning!" **_

These exclamations came from a beggar woman who was approaching Will, holding her hand out for some possible offerings of money. Will, being a bit creeped out at the moment, handed some money to this beggar.

"Thank yeh, sir! Thank yeh!" The beggar woman exclaimed.

"Ma'am," Will asked, "do you happen to know who that beautiful girl is?"

"Oh, that," she replied. "That's Nausicaa. Pretty, little thing, isn't she."

"And do you know who houses her?"

"Oh," said the beggar woman in disgust. "Judge Quartermaine is her guardian. If you ask me, he's such a creeper. Take my word for it and stay away from that place, 'cos if you're caught looking at Nausicaa, he'll beat you silly!"

The beggar woman slunk off crying out,

"_**Alms! Alms!**_

_**For a desperate woman!!"**_

Will went back to the bench and picked up his satchel and started to sing, walking off towards the distance.

"_**I feel you,**_

_**Nausicaa,**_

_**I feel you!**_

_**I was half convinced**_

_**I'd waken,**_

_**Satisfied enough to dream you.**_

_**Happily I was mistaken,**_

_**Nausicaa!**_

_**I'll steal you,**_

_**Nausicaa!**_

_**I'll steal you."**_

Will was about to pass Quartermaine's house, when lo and behold, the rabbit killer himself opened the door to the house and beckoned Will to come forward.

"Come in lad, come in!" Quartermaine said. Will obeyed. They walked to Quartermaine's lounge.

* * *

"You were looking for Hyde Park, you say?" Quartermaine inquired.

"Yes, your Honor. It's quite large on the map, but the map resembles a madman's writing." Will replied. As he said that, Beadle Pettigrew, being the snively person he was, creeped on to the scene.

"A pirate must know the ways and practices of the world. Would you say, boy, that you're practiced?" Quartermaine asked.

"Sir?" posed Will.

"Oh, such practices!" Quartermaine sighed sinisterly. He went over to his bookcases and started skimming the books with his creepy fingers. "The wenches of Tortuga, the corner walkers of New York City, the harlots of India. I have them all here, drawings of them. Would you like to see?" (2)

"I think there's been some sort of mistake, sir." Will said innocently.

"I think not!" Quartermaine exploded. "You gandered at my ward, Nausicaa (3)! You eyeballed her! YOU OGLED AT HER!!"

"Sir, I meant no harm!" Will pleaded.

"Look here, boy!" Quartermaine growled, getting up in Will's face. "If I see you on this street again, I will personally beat you over the head with a trombone and/or make you rue the day that you were born!"

Quartermaine gestured to Beadle Pettigrew to "see Will to the door".

* * *

"Hyde Park is that way, boy!" Pettigrew shouted, shoving Will to the ground. "It's got a huge sign near it that says Hyde Park, you can't miss it."

Will tried to get up, but Pettigrew got out THE RETRACTABLE PIMP CANE OF DOOM(!!) (4) and started to beat Will up.

"Next time you show your pretty face around here, your good-looking brains'll be on the pavement." The Beadle threatened.

Will tried to get up, but the Beadle threw Will's knapsack onto him, thus knocking him to the ground for a third time. The beadle slunk off evilly.

Will got up, his face bruised and bloody, grabbed his belongings and limped off to the street.

"_**I'll steal you, Nausicaa.**_

_**I'll steal you.**_

_**Do they think that walls**_

_**Can hide you?**_

_**Even now I'm at **_

_**Your window!**_

_**I am in the dark beside you,**_

_**Buried sweetly in your chestnut hair!**_

_**I feel you, Nausicaa!**_

_**And one day,**_

_**I'll steal you.**_

'_**Til I'm with you,**_

_**I'm with you there!**_

_**Sweetly buried in your**_

_**Chestnut hair!"**_

Will walked off into the distance, with people staring at him and wondering what the heck happened to him.

**(1) I always find that part so disgusting! You take her in as your own child and you ogle at her all day? Can I say, "eww"?**

**(2) Again... that's just disgusting (shudders)**

**(3) My thoughts on Turpin's chastising Anthony: "YOU'VE DONE A FAIR SHARE OF GANDERING, YOURSELF, YOU PERV!!"**

**(4) I just always find it funny that someone took the time to make a retractable cane and gave it to that creeper of a beadle**

_End of chapter! What are your opinions on this particular segment of the story? Let me know in your reviews!_

_Happy Reviewing!_

_-Harry's Girl 01031992_


	6. Evanselli's Miracle Elixir

Thanks to **Nausicaa of the Spirits** and **Crysta Mayville **for reviewing! And now, after another long hiatus, I present to you chapter six!

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That very same day when Will encountered the beautiful Nausicaa, Jack and Mrs. Walker were walking through the marketplace because Mrs. Walker was in need of ingredients for her pies. They were walking along, minding their own business, when Jack spotted the Beadle.

Jack reached for his sword, and tried to advance towards the Beadle. Mrs. Walker, seeing that no good could come of this, grabbed Jack by the collar.

"Hold on there, dearie." She said firmly. Jack obeyed her and he put his sword away.

They walked towards a platform with red velvet curtains and bright colorful signs that said, "Sharpayo Evanselli, swordfighter of kings, king of sword fighters".

"That Evanselli man is apparently all the rage here at the marketplace, that drama-king of an Italian." Mrs. Walker said.

Just then, a small Japanese boy by the name of Mitsukuni "Hunny" Haninozuka wearing a sort of shabby suit who had dirty blonde hair covered by his brown bowler hat emerged from the curtains with a drum with he started beating. Everyone gathered around as he started to sing.

"_**Ladies and gentlemen, **_

_**May I have your attention, please!**_

_**Do you wake every morning **_

_**In shame and despair to discover **_

_**Your sword won't give off a glare,**_

_**From the light, oh, so fair!**_

_**Well, ladies and gentleman,**_

_**From now on you can awaken at ease!**_

_**You may never have a worry or care,**_

_**I will show you a miracle, marvelous, rare!**_

_**Gentlemen, you are about to see **_

_**Something what rose without a word—**_

_**From the edge of my sword!"**_

Hunny pulled out a sword from his sheath and showed it to the crowd as he tossed bottles of liquid to them. Jack and Mrs. Walker caught a bottle.

_**" 'Twas Evanselli's Miracle Elixir **_

_**That's what did the trick, sir,**_

_**True, sir, true!**_

_**Was it quick, sir?**_

_**Did it in a tick, sir,**_

_**Just like an elixir**_

_**Ought to do!"**_

He then dabbed some elixir on Sheldon Cooper's (_The Big Bang Theory_) sword, who had a perplexed-disgusted look on his face as if he smelled something strange.

_**"How about a bottle, mister?**_

_**Only costs a penny, guaranteed!**_

_**Does Evanselli's **_

_**Stimulate the shine, sir?**_

_**Finer than good wine, sir?**_ (A/N: Yeah, I have no idea where this came from either, but I _am_ trying to edit the lyrics of the godly Stephen Sondheim)

_**You can have my oath, sir,**_

_**'Tis unique.**_

_**Rub a minute—**_

_**Shinifyin', i'n'it?**_

_**Then you'll have to polish it**_

_**Less per week!"**_

Jack and Mrs. Walker then smelled the concoction, and by the look on their faces, you could tell that they were clearly disgusted.

Jack exclaimed to Mrs. Walker, _**"Pardon me, ma'am what's that awful stench?"**_

She replied, _**"Are we standing near an open trench?"**_

"_**Must be standing near an open trench."**_

"_**Pardon me, sir, what's that awful stench?"**_

Hunny, ignoring Jack and Mrs. Walker's commotion, continued into his advertisement.

"_**Buy Evanselli's **_

_**Miracle Elixir:**_

_**Anything what's dull, sir,**_

_**Soon will shine.**_

_**Try Evanselli's!**_

_**When they see how cool, sir,**_

_**You can rule the world, sir,**_

_**Of combat!**_

_**Wanna buy a bottle missus?"**_

(A/N: For this part- Bold/underline: Jack; Plain italics: Mrs. Walker)

"**What is this?"**

"_What is this?"_

"**Smells like piss."**

"_Smells like—phew!"_

"**Looks like piss."**

"_Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear."_

"**This is piss. Piss with ink.** (A/N: Okay, back to normal, now!)

Hunny was now clearly desperate to save this product pitch. He exclaimed frantically while running through the crowd:

"_**Let Evanselli's **_

_**Miracle Elixir**_

_**Activate the boost, sir—"**_

Jack interjected,

"_**Keep it off your boots, sir—**_

_**Eats right through!"**_

"_**Yes, get Evanselli's!**_

_**Use a bottle of it!**_

_**Swordsmen seem to love it!"**_

Then Mrs. Walker snarkily replied,

"_**Flies do, too!"**_

The crowd laughed hysterically until a tall, blonde, feminine-looking man dressed in a pink satin tuxedo (complete with matching top hat and cape) came out from behind the curtains from which Hunny had originally emerged.

"_**I—am Sharpayo Evanselli,**_

_**Da king of da swordsmen,**_

_**Da swordsman of kings,**_

_**E buon giorno, good day!**_

_**I blow you a kiss!**_

_**And I—da so-famous Evanselli,**_

_**I wish-a to know-a**_

_**Who has-a da nerve-a to say**_

_**My elixir is piss!!**_

_**Who says dees?!"**_

Jack, with a cheeky smirk across his face, raised his hand.

"That would be me, _monsieur l'italien_! I am Captain Jack Sparrow of Fleet Street. I just opened a bottle of your 'elixir' (he used air quotes while saying this), and I have come to two conclusions. One: Either you must be really crazy, or two: this is nothing but piss and ink! And furthermore, 'Signor', I have fought no kings, but I can 105.6% guarantee you that I can fight anyone with ten times more skill than any foppish whelp. You see this sword?"

Jack unsheathed his sword and the crowd gasped in wonder.

"I lay it against 5₤. Either accept my challenge, or reveal yourself as nothing more than a silly, Bedazzler-loving sham."

Evanselli looked at Jack's sword in confidence, as if he knew something that the rest of the crowd didn't. He finally spoke.

"You hear this foolish mariner? Now, please, you will see how he will regret-a his-a folly!"

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_End of chapter! Will Jack succeed in this wager or will he crumble? Will we find out why Evanselli's accent is so ridiculously outrageous? And will Sheldon freak out over the fact that his sword is covered in piss? Find out in the next chapter! Oh, yeah...READ AND REVIEW!_


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